Lost on the road to God knows where. — Out Here in Paradise

Sculpted by Donald Wilson 1982

I’m lost on a road to “God knows where.” Feeling scared. Uncertain. It’s my story right now, and I’ve good reasons for my emotional state. It’s not the first time in my life I’ve been lost or overwhelmed by circumstance. There’s no doubt my situation is difficult, and solutions to my problems seem beyond my current […]

Lost on the road to God knows where. — Out Here in Paradise

Two years ago I wrote the above blog entry in my other blog “Out Here in Paradise” and re-examining some of the issues with which I was ensnared at that time have shown that progress is possible, even given serious and intractable problems.

Mine isn’t a new story.  My health is not good, and is deteriorating over time.  It is responding to my focus on trying to find a solution to my worst problems, and a way to cope with the things I won’t be able to control.  My financial situation is a disaster, brought about by a series of mistaken steps, all of which seemed to be the correct decisions at the time, but have left me in serious debt, absent an income on which I can rely, and quite uncertain as to the potential for even basic survival, under my current situation.

Lost on the road to God knows where. — Out Here in Paradise

Two years ago my health was a lot worse than now. At least it seemed so at the time. I had just got out of the hospital where I was extremely ill with pneumonia, with a new diagnosis of COPD, to go alone with my diabetes and chronic arthritic and neuropathic pain. I didn’t know it then but I also had the classic symptoms of fibromyalgia at work. I had a lot of good reasons to be depressed, just based on my health, not to mention a lifetime of fighting with bipolar depression even since my twenties, more than forty years.

So that was where I started to fight against continuing to fall down the Rabbit Hole, and started this blog, where I’ve largely focussed on discussing my attempts to improve my health and the quality of my life by taking intentional control of those things I can control.

If you follow this blog you will have read about my struggles with my medications, and coming to an understanding of how they interact with each other, and have many side effects, some of which still plague me.

You have seen my excitement of discovery when I read Dr. Jason Fung and realized that I can take control of my diabetes by making significant lifestyle changes, including intermittent fasting and radical reduction in the amount of carbohydrate in my daily diet. I came to realize that exercise every day is important, just not exactly for the reasons that I thought. I’ve lost a lot of weight on this journey, with the result being an increase in energy, a renewed sense of hope for the future, and a continued plan to improve matters further.

I’ve written about my challenges with my marriage and how we have evolved to a new set of understandings that allow for the possibility of staying intimate friends, while perhaps moving to a new description of our relationship. In our new relationship as Nesting Partners, rather than Husband and Wife, we talk far more openly about just about everything, than we even did in the past. Which is a good thing.

I’ve written about Polyamory, the state of being committed to being open to romantically or sexually loving more than one person at a time, within ethical boundaries and with full disclosure of the partners to each other and to every new person brought into relationship. We’re both struggling with our new definition but have continued to be loving to each other while figuring out how to move forward into the future.

Me as a kid.

In that Blog from two years ago I was feeling completely defeated financially as well. Things in this regard haven’t resolved themselves entirely, but I have made strides in dealing with my debts by filing bankruptcy. It wasn’t fun and it isn’t over yet, but it will be soon, and I will be able to move on into some meaningful employment or business. I’ve also learned the outcome of my problems with the Securities Commission, and while I’m far from sanguine about the Decision made, and the sanctions against me, I am in a place where I have begun to see how I can move forward from here. I have accepted entirely that I am accountable for my current financial situation, and if I am to rise again, it will be because I make it so.

Here are a few random thoughts about how I will get out of this mess.

Make a list, detail the issues including both those which seem unsolvable and those which appear to have potential solutions, no matter how unpalatable.

Take concrete steps to begin to address some of the issues.  Whether or not I can solve everything, or even most things, I can do something about most things.  I desperately need to break the hold that my emotional condition has on me.

Start listening better to the people in my life who care about me.  At the moment they seem to believe in me more than do I myself.

Creatively analyzing my situation with a view to possible improvements in it.  A little improvement is better than none.  Maybe everything isn’t quite as far gone as I currently believe,  maybe I can still pull myself back from the brink.  Of if not, figure out how to ride out the storm caused by going over the edge.

Let go of the past, embrace the future.  What is, is.  What has already happened is done, over and can’t be changed. But what has not yet happened, may never happen, or may result in outcomes totally different than anticipated by my fears.

Lost on the road to God knows where. — Out Here in Paradise
Self Portrait of me as a young man.

I haven’t entirely let go of the past, and I continue to work on those things from the past that still cause havoc in my life. What can say, two short years later, is that there is hope, and things have actually improved, through hard work, a renewed practice of personal discipline in following my new lifestyle, and a willingness to be open and transparent to my partner, which means a lot less anxiety of both our parts, and a better, if not a little more complicated, redefinition of our lives, both together and apart.

11 thoughts on “Lost on the road to God knows where. — Out Here in Paradise

  1. Excellent analysis of your issues and I’m so glad to see you moving forward in some of the worst.

    Life sucks. Chronic Pain sucks. Poverty and Financial stress sucks.

    I guess the best way forward will always be to recognise What Is, and at least change the taste into a more palatable Sweet (not Bitter).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good perspective. You can never truly move forward until you recognize, acknowledge and let go of the past. It is what it you. You can definitely learn from it, let it challenge you, and glean the good from the bad, but if you stay in that place of dwelling on it, you will only grow stagnant and eventually die. Praying you find Truth and strength to keep moving forward. … also, thanks for the follow! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s always difficult to let go of the past and so easy to say the past is gone, let us look forward to the future. The present is a gift 🎁 of god because we are alive. Difficulties and problems come and go but we live only once. When we are gone, we are gone.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
    Thank you also for liking my poem. I hope you will visit my blog often. You will find everything to help you relax and enjoy your day.
    Happy Friday!


  4. I commend you, Donald, and understand many of the problems you talk about. I won’t talk about my myriad of health problems but just to say that yes, there are ways to deal with them without taking too much medication and I do understand that for bipolar issues, medication may be a good thing. (I have a daughter-in-law that is manic/depressive and does need something for that…just an aside here). You are a good artist and I admire that you create as it is also a positive endeavor in helping your cope with so much going on. At this point, after having to retire due to my heart surgery, selling my home and beginning to rent again (all in 2015). I moved three times before moving into my daughter’s home. My financial issues are not the same as your own but SSI and my retirement that comes in once a month is simply not enough to remain independent with the rising costs of living. It has been a difficult 9 months but in the last 4, I have taken up meditation again. I was introduced many years ago but with a busy life did not make it a part of my life. It has helped and I do know that some things are not for everyone, but I do now see hope that there will be positive changes for me (although I am the one that must take the steps forward to make them happen). I wanted to share just a small slice of my journey with you and to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing and to feel confident to try other avenues to help you if you need to. It takes a strong person to move forward in the midst of so much difficulty but it sounds to me, at least, that you are taking the path you need to be on. Be well.

    Liked by 1 person

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