Letting go doesn’t hurt, either.

Egmong, BC – Museum

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving Day. This is the day when I’m supposed to be grateful for all the good things in my life, and emotionally let go of whatever negative things are holding me back from a happy and productive life.

All of that is good. In theory.

But it’s hard to do. It’s a lot easier to list the things I’m mad about, or for which I’m resentful, than to account for all the good things in my life, for which I’m grateful. That’s not to say that I’m not, that is, not grateful.

I’m grateful for the people in my life who go out of their way to make my life better, of which there are any number, including my domestic partner who puts up with my frustrations and anxieties, and continues with me in her life, despite no longer wanting to be married to me, or believing that there is any romantic future for us. She’s probably right but still has simply accepted me as I am, despite my faults. So the two of us struggle to go forward in this fundamentally undefinable relationship and cause each other, and ourselves, the least emotional damage possible. And although this relationship isn’t what either of us imagined forty years ago, it continues to sustain me in the present. She still inspires me with her generosity of spirit towards.

I am grateful to my family, including my kids and my siblings, trying not to let resentment fill my heart for all the things I’d hoped would be, but are not. When people love me its hard when its not exactly the way I’d like to be loved. But who am I kidding? The fact that they are willing to be a part of my life is what is important, and I am appreciative when they do spend some time with me.

I’m also happy with my progress towards a healthy future. Intermittent fasting and lifestyle changes I’ve already made are making a real difference in my health, even just a few months into the process began with my decision last spring to reevaluate my medications and side effects. My son’s consistent input about carbs and sugar has encouraged me to stick to my guns when comes to fasting, and has helped me to lose 35 pounds. I do feel better, and I’m grateful for that.

But I still have a hard time not being angry about the things I’m facing in the future. It doesn’t matter really if they are a direct result of my own actions, or not. Chronic pain is very difficult to ignore, especially when it is quite severe, most of the time. I’m taking it on faith that losing weight will improve matters a little, but I’m not counting on it. Pain has become my constant companion, and it’s damned hard not to complain about it. Not that it does any good, but saying something does relieve some of the pressure of feeling so isolated and alone in the pain. Sometimes people think that I resent them because they don’t really express much sympathy, or even really seem to understand what the hell I’m talking about. Actually I don’t resent them, what I resent is the pain itself, and the fact that nothing really helps.

I’m also really resentful about the total destruction of my business and professional career, as a result of having made some stupendously stupid mistakes which cost me everything, including putting limits on my future I’m not quite sure how to endure. It doesn’t actually help to know that there were things I could have done differently that might have made all the difference. I didn’t do those things, so here I am. I’m critically broke, impoverished by the consequences of these mistakes. I also resent being ashamed of my mistakes and lack of better judgment. How can I be sure that I’ll do any better in the future?

International Symbol of gratitude

But today is Thanksgiving Day, so I’ve thought a lot about those things that matter to me. There is a better future ahead, even if I’m not quite sure how to get there. I’m still alive, and I’m in better health than for a long time, and have more energy than for probably ten years. So I grateful for that.

I’m also grateful for my blog. Expressing my deepest feelings helps me come to terms with them. So I’m also grateful for my faithful readers, who have been so encouraging to me as I have been on this fasting journey. Thank you.

23 thoughts on “Letting go doesn’t hurt, either.

  1. Wow, this is the first I’ve read your blog, and I see you’ve got a lot going on. I know that depression can really do a number on our psyche. I pray that God will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. The best advice I’ve ever received is to lean into God. You’ll be amazed at the difference it can make in your life. Good luck!

    • Thank you for your concerns, and yes, I do have a lot going on in my life. I do not get comfort from religion, although I respect that you very well may. I do practice meditation, and centre myself in the universe to achieve peace. I do believe in nirvana, and in the silence there is only the ever present now.

      • It’s not so much about “religion” as a relationship with Jesus Christ. But, I understand.

  2. Hi Donald 🙂
    Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I understand where you’re coming from. Even though our struggles may differ. And like Pam, I will pray for you and your family. Happy (one day late) Thanksgiving with many blessings too!

  3. Hi thanks for sharing and this post makes people realise that everybody has issues that they are dealing with. I read a quote once that said ‘ you are not starting all over , you are starting over with the experience you have.’ So I hope that brightens your day Sir. I was busy typing an article and I saw the pink notification dot , so I left my article to find it was your pink dot like notification , so I had a look at some of your articles and I noticed that many of them were about fasting , at that moment in my mind I was thinking no way Im just doing this once off kind of article on the same topic which Im going to post right after your notification , this guy is going to think I planned this after seeing his article!

  4. Lots to be grateful for, even when there’s slim pickings from which you can choose. You could be homeless, in stage four of some horrible disease that forces you count the rest of your life on a few fingers. You could flat broke with creditors hounding you. I try to practice gratitude, but it’s not always easy.

    I see you’re like me….trying to lose weight. Good luck on your venture. Continue to keep is posted on your progress.

    Enjoyed your post,

  5. Gratitude is such a sticky topic. I appreciate your honest approach and look forward to reading more of your posts. My partner suffers from chronic pain, and it’s not something most people can understand, so this really stood out to me.

  6. Pingback: Featured Blogger (Part 1) for October 17, 2019 – Wildindigoprisms

    • Thank you for making my blog a Featured Blogger (Part 1) for October 17, 2019. I really enjoyed reading your response and story, and feel a lot of compassion for both you and your lover.

      At his point in my life I’m basically celibate as well, not having a sexual relationship with my life partner, but also not having any other intimate relationships either.

      I have been in an open marriage, as well as in a marriage that was “don’t ask, don’t tell” with my current partner until recently where she recently changed the rules to just “don’t or else”. This at the same time as declared that she no longer considers us married but rather just “friends” living together in a domestic partnership. WTF!
      I totally hear you about your lover, and I understand him not wanted to leave despite how he feels. Obligation comes from inside, not from your partner.

  7. I’m not sure what to comment, but I get how blogging is something to be grateful for. I’m relating to you there. Somehow writing helps to get you over a hump, and even possibly let some of it go, though I understand that pain is a tough one. I don’t understand it on the level that you or my husband does, but I’ve seen how it wears on him. It’s tough. Sorry to hear that you’r going through that.

  8. You are in a genuinely interesting situation. Very few people are given the “opportunity” to learn as much as you have been challenged to learn. Just one of the challenges you are facing would take someone’s full energy and attention. So of course, you get — all of them. My sincerest sympathies. I’ve been through some of the challenges you face today. Some I solved, some not…. or at least not yet.

    On relationships — have you read _Passionate Marriage_ by David Schnarch? It is by far the best book on understanding relationships that I have ever read. (And I’ve read a lot.) . Fair warning, though. It’s graduate-level reading and a hard go. Worth the effort, though.

    On Intermittent Fasting — I do not do intermittent fasting; it doesn’t work for my body. But I know it works for a lot of people, probably more men than women. I really enjoyed John Berardi’s e-book on their (his company is called Precision Nutrition) experiments on Intermittent Fasting. It explained a lot to me about why it works for some and not others, and I like their agnostic approach to all things related to eating and food. Here’s a link to the first chapter, and from there you can download (for free) the full PDF. https://www.precisionnutrition.com/intermittent-fasting

    Disclosure: I’ve done their certification level 1, and am doing the level 2 certification now, as well as receiving more than a year of coaching from them to continue my own journey toward health.

    One last thing. Don’t give up. You are in a very, very hard place. That doesn’t mean it’s the end of the story. I would like to see how it turns out.


  9. Pingback: Featured Blogger (Part 2) for October 17 2019 – Wildindigoprisms

  10. You are on a road of self healing and self discovery. I’m glad your meditating. I started a year ago and have had so much value from having done so. I use Vishen Lakhiani’s 6 phase guided meditation. What do you use?

  11. Pain is The most debilitating injury anyone can have. Donald have you ever been asked to try medical marijuana. It may sound like the worst thing on earth and I’m not trying to lead you down any unwanted paths. The people I know around me use it and swear by it’s values. It’s just a thought 💭. I am looking into it as well for the pain I deal with each day. I don’t smoke that stuff and get high. I’ve never been in that group and choose not to. Give it a thought.

  12. I appreciate your sincerity and revealing a part of yourself in this post. There are and always will be challenging times in life but there also the good times. After my 70 some years, I learned that one must live for each moment and stop to smell the roses. Peace and light, my friend, and thank you for following BrewNSpew.

  13. Yes, writing is cathartic. Helps to clarify thinking. Gives a better perspective. I wouldn’t mind betting you felt better, even if only a little bit, by the time you finished writing this piece. Good for you! Literally!

  14. Thanks for visiting and following my blog. As we age, chronic pain is just a fact. Arthritis is a big factor, not to mention other chronic illnesses that come regardless of age. Just keep on fighting! You’ll win!

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